Thursdays... sigh.

If you are married, then you know how important “Man time” is. That time designated for the sole purpose of boosting testosterone with other men. Barry’s “Man time” is also called “Church Ball” and it occurs every Thursday night. Weeks ago, he asked permission to attend this weekly hormonal ritual and I happily agreed. Needless to say, Thursdays are my least favorite day of the week. Barry works from 8-5, has class from 5:30-7 and then basketball from 7 to 9ish. This is the one day where I am all alone, so by 9 pm I am completely frazzled, but I try to pretend like I still enjoy this fourth day of the week for Barry’s sake. Last night, however, is a different story.
As stated, Barry usually gets home around 9, but this was not so last night. Grayson was very cranky so I was already a little high strung, so as 9:30 rolled around I started thinking some very aggravated thoughts. I had a huge speech prepared for the moment he walked in the door… but then my mind wandered back to our Relief Society lesson this last Sunday which was entitled “Be Slow to Anger”. As I thought about the lesson, my huge speech eased into a mean look, then to a sarcastic joke (tinged with frustration), then to an eye-roll, and slowly it morphed into a hug and a kiss at the door. I decided that I was going to be slow to anger.
As I was thinking these happy thoughts, I got a phone call… our car broke down. (Happy thoughts? What are those?) I was so frustrated about the car, that as I was driving to pick up my husband (around 10), my hug and a kiss morphed into an eye-roll, a sarcastic joke, a mean look, all the way back to a big lecture. Although “The car wouldn’t have broken down if you would have come home on time!” didn’t sound like a very reasonable argument; I settled for the silent treatment. I just “hmmphed” and sighed whenever my husband tried to talk as we made our way back home in silent tension.
Somewhere along Mesa Street, we passed a daycare, and on its billboard in bright letters was “Jesus Loves You”. For some reason, this struck me… one of those “Ah-ha moments”. My conscience said, “Krystle, what are you doing?” I realized that I had completely forgotten about being slow to anger and instead brought the wrong kind of spirit into the remainder of our evening. I was disappointed in myself and after a few moments, changed my attitude. The night ended with that hug and kiss I had planned on, and I am so grateful that I got that little reminder: Jesus loves You.

I LOVE THIS PICTURE!

My Husband... My Inspiration

My husband and I set a New Year’s Resolution to only eat sweets on Fridays. I have been doing so well on this goal, but yesterday I felt terribly sick and I needed to self-medicate myself with chocolate. I knew that Barry had placed our mini-snickers in a bowl in the kitchen so I headed there only to discover that the bowl was gone. I snooped around and discovered it hiding behind a shelf on the fridge. I contemplated pulling it out and getting my dosage, but then I thought about why these chocolate wonders were behind the shelf. My husband put them there so we wouldn’t be tempted. He is so dedicated to our goal that he hid our mini-joys. I was so proud of my husband at that moment and the example that he set for me. It was so inspiring that I turned and I walked right out of that kitchen. But then I saw our bag of peanut M&Ms on the couch and ate those instead.

SPLIT.

For quite a few months I’ve known of a rumor that our solitary ward was going to split. I have been so depressed about it because no matter how we did the math, all of our friends would end up in a ward opposite of us. Today, the stake president authenticated the rumors, they split the ward. We are no longer the Carlsbad Ward, we are Carlsbad Caverns ward and Pecos River ward. Last night, I was talking to my husband about how sad I was going to be when they made the announcement and my husband said, “Yeah, it’s sad, but it is showing that the gospel is spreading and more people are accepting it.” I felt so humbled by his words. I never even considered the purpose of the gospel, I was just selfishly thinking of myself. I kept those words in my mind as they made the announcement today and I actually felt excited! I am so grateful for my wise husband, and for the opportunity to be in the midst of religious growth in Carlsbad… and maybe now I will get a calling!

At the pet store

Our apartment complex won’t allow animals. However much I appreciate this rule with the certain neighbors cohabitating with me, I worry a little that Grayson will be raised the first few years of his life not knowing what animals are! Because of this concern, I decided to take Grayson to the pet store. Yesterday, Grayson had his first experience with fish, and it was so funny! I walked him around the different tanks of colored fish and he got so excited! He was talking up a storm while I read the fish names and pointed out what colors they were. He kept trying to grab them through the glass and his eyes were absolutely sparkling. I then tried reptiles, showing him the giant pythons and the Iguanas, but that was less than entertaining. They weren’t moving so I don’t even think he realized they were worth his attention. After sauntering through that department, I took him into the bird room and he was mesmerized! The two parrots were molting, and I assume this is why they were so cranky. They sounded just like Iago from “Aladdin”. Not only that, but the parakeets were excitedly twittering and flapping around in mass chaos and he couldn’t take his eyes off of their cage. Unlike the fish, he sat completely quiet as he observed the birds, silently smiling whenever they did something new.
It was such a neat experience! By the end of our time there, I was just as excited when one of the creatures did something simple. Whether the fish swam quickly away when we tapped the glass or a bird squawked noisily. Grayson is showing me just how amazing the world is, and I am so grateful for all he is teaching me. It is no wonder why Christ counsels us to be as children, they see the world as it should be.

Pregnant Again.

I often think about being pregnant again… and the thought terrifies me. Edited, pregnancy was LESS than enjoyable. Of course we want to expand our family, but I don’t want an expanded belly for at least another year. About a week ago, I was pondering this topic and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. The kind of peace that scares you to death! I knew that feeling was not coming from myself and I began to worry that “the Lord’s time” was not coinciding with my own. I told Barry about my thoughts and we both counted down apprehensively until “D-Day”. That was yesterday… and nothing came. I spent nearly the entire night shaving a few years off my life through stress. The picture was perfectly clear. In a week or two I would secretly pick up a pregnancy test from the dollar store and when it came out positive I would burst into tears. I would hop in the car and cry all the way to my friend Elise’s house where I would tell her the entire story and she would sympathize with me while I cried even more. The whole time Grace would be staring at me with that curious look, worried that I was going crazy. Anyway, that’s as far as the daydream reached. I guess my mind couldn’t fathom telling Barry or my parents the news.
Eventually, I fell asleep. The morning came, as they always do, and I awoke to something I never thought I would EVER appreciate! I’m not pregnant and the sense of relief I’m feeling greatly outweighs the cramps that are moving in. I am safe… for another month!

The World's view

Barry and I are attending a “Marriage and Family” class at church and we are absolutely loving it! The class has sparked so many discussions between us and it has truly been a blessing. This last Sunday, the lesson was on children and our teacher said that there is a huge depression rate of women in Utah. One of the older men in the class raised his hand and said that he knew why that was. He then went on to say that women in the church are highly educated but then don’t do anything about it because they all become “baby-makers”. For the most part, he was making a sarcastic joke, but the statement really got me upset. This is the view of the world, that in order for women to be equal to men, we have to go get a big career and leave the home. I don’t have a problem with women who work, but I do have a problem with this viewpoint. I feel like God created us to have different roles. He intended for women to be the nurturers, the men to be the providers. Studies have proven that children who are raised in daycare have more behavioral problems than those who spend more time with parents. Studies have proven that “latchkey” kids are more likely to drink and make other HUGE mistakes in those hours after school when they are home alone because both parents are at work. These are not LDS studies, but scientific studies. PROOF of where a woman SHOULD be. That place is at home. I can’t imagine how I would have turned out if my Mother had chosen to work instead of be there at home for us. I can’t imagine missing those milestones of my son, seeing him roll over for the first time, scoot for the first time, or miss milestones in the future. I can’t imagine some babysitter witnessing all of those miracles in place of myself.
Today my visiting teachers came over and we were discussing this, and one of them said she didn’t believe that the depression of women came from being mothers, but from the pressure we put on ourselves to be “The Best”. We feel like we have to be exceptional mothers, teachers, chefs, cleaners, lovers, etc. Well with a mindset like that, ANYONE would get depressed. The Relief Society president Julie B. Beck said that we as members should be the best at families, but I feel what she meant is that we should recognize that it is important to be there for our children, to raise them up In the gospel, to teach them who they are. I believe she meant we have to find the best for ourselves, not “everyone’s best”. I am grateful that my husband and I decided together that I should stay home as a mother, even if there are times when I wish that I could be somewhere else, I know that it is the right place, and the “best” for our family.

marital reflections...

While Barry and I were taking a drive this last Saturday, he randomly told me he thought we have an amazing marriage. At first, I was elated to hear my husband say this, but as I have thought about it I have switched from elation to sadness. I feel like, well I KNOW that I am a very inadequate wife. I am still learning how to balance a child and my other responsibilities…. Learning, but not progressing. I basically sit all day on the floor in our living room and talk to Grayson as he gnaws on lego blocks while the dishes, laundry, and dust pile up. My husband however, goes to work full-time and school full-time to support us and has to come home to a frumpy wife who has done nothing at all that day except broadened her baby-talk vocabulary.
On top of that, Barry will do the laundry because I haven’t even tried to carry our HUGE loads and Grayson to the Laundromat just 200 yards away. If we have guests coming over, Barry will straighten the house with me, and help vacuum. Often times, he even ends up doing the week’s worth of dishes that I haven’t reached yet. On top of that, if he can tell that I’m not in a very personable mood, he will offer to cook dinner for us, and often times it tastes way better than anything I have EVER conjured up. The worst part of it all is that I have NEVER once heard my husband complain or even utter a sigh of frustration over all of this, but I occasionally find myself whining about my “hard day”. Complaining about a cranky baby who is sick or teething, when he has to put up with a cranky wife AND baby amongst other things and never says a word! We don’t have an amazing marriage… I have an amazing husband.